I’m attempting to prep myself for a quasi-writing assignment in Boston. The task is to create a band bio to be included in their press kit. The plan is to meet the band to ask them personally for the information I’ll need. As I tend to hate traditional things, I keep mulling over what I could do to create a truly reflective piece of writing, and what a background really needs to include.
If you pulled out my resume and read it over, you’d still have no idea what my background includes. You’d get some dates and facts, a skeletal timeline of a few things I’ve done. I’ve added only the professional sounding highlights to that thing. (I have mixed feelings on the value of resumes.) Here’s what my background SHOULD include:
Nanny- Two Boys, Too Many Years (with lots of love):
During this time, I learned how to avoid being urinated on, how to properly execute a time out, and just how important it is to avoid pregnancy at all costs. You want to help young girls avoid unwanted pregnancy? Have them babysit.
Honed my ability to organize tee-shirts by size and color. Gained a sixth sense on the location of the cash box. Additionally, learned that when a guy is giving you a creepy look, he’s about to say something creepy. Interrupt him.
Lab Assistant at an Animal Testing Facility:
Animal testing sucks. Guinea hens are mean. Learned when it’s time to stand up for what you feel is wrong.
Worked at a Mall:
The store doesn’t matter. The position doesn’t matter. A mall is a mall. Customer service is in the eye of the beholder. Mall Rats is not far from the truth. I can no longer stand the smell of Subway.
Vehicles without four wheel drive are just nonsense. If you don’t hit the road early, you’re going to get suck behind the trash carriage, and those horses are damn slow. Learned to execute crisis management from hunters dragging illegal does through your backyard, a cow stampede, and having your horse shot in the butt for being brown during hunting season.
PS- If you like the band Phish, chances are you’re not from Vermont.
Yes, I’ve had internships. I’ve worked professional jobs successfully, and I paid close attention in school. You can learn that from my resume. What you can’t learn is that I am well versed in the art of rolling up my sleeves, taking the punches with a sense of humor, and knowing myself enough to walk away when it’s time. That’s all due to my background.