Dear Non-Facebook User,
Hi. How are you today? This is just a quick little scribble to say that I miss you.
How has your life been? I would know this if you used Facebook. You’d be saving me a lot of energy. I know that we only spoke that one time a few months ago, but I’d really like to know what you did today. Maybe I could leer at a few of your pictures while I was at it. Rumor has it, your Halloween costume was kicking. Alas, I have no photographic evidence to confirm this. Don’t you want to be in my social network?
It would mean a lot to me if you could, “like,” my status update. I posted the link to that article to prove my cultural intuition, and superior mental status. Why are you making me spell this out for you? I live for that little red flag thingy to appear at the top of my page. It’s validation in it’s purest form.
I searched for your name. Did you know there are 5,000 people with exactly your name, and 14 fan clubs? I do. All of those folks seem to understand what it is that you’re missing out on. I’m a delight on Facebook. I’m witty and flirty. My photos are carefully edited to make sure I always look spectacular. Everyone can see the blurry picture of my dinner. (I don’t believe anyone should have their access to me restricted.) Why, just a few hours ago, I shared a uniquely vague sentence that could have been a thinly veiled threat, or an isolated line from a recipe. You be the judge.
If you were my friend on Facebook, you’d know this. I don’t know what else you might be doing with your time. Are you okay? Are your hands crippled so you can’t type? Don’t worry if you are. I’m sure there’s an app for that. I’m also sure there’s a fan page for crippled hands. We could all, “like,” crippled hands in support of you.
One of our mutual friends posted a photo from the other night. You were in the picture. However, we were unable to tag you. Now the photo is ruined. It’s devoid of the human experience that comes from typing your name across your face. I’ve suggested the photo be removed. It’s a downer. If you were on Facebook, I would have sent you an invite to my Saturday night kegger. I truly wanted you there, but I just don’t have the time in my day to ask anyone we know for your number.
If you had Facebook, I could look for your contact information there as well. I could also learn your relationship status, which is generally the most important facet of a person. I have a feeling you have much to share with the world. Why are you hiding from us? Come into the light and let yourself shine! You can even post the lyrics to that Katy Perry song about fireworks (Called, “Firework”). This will let us all know how you really feel.
In short, I miss you so, random person I met that one time. Please join Facebook and friend me. Together, we can enhance each other’s lives. I’m sure of it. Also, I really want 500 friends.
Hugs and Kisses.